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Offline Ozzy MozzyTopic starter

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The Joke Thread
« on: April 17, 2012, 08:07:04 AM »
THE 5 ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for 'suck here'.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder.'

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...




BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.


Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
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Offline bennyd

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2012, 08:23:01 AM »
If your uncle Jack helped you off an elephant,
Would you help your uncle Jack off an elephant?
Back playing with real cars

Quote from: GonzoRacer
All too often I say "I can build something nicer than that" and I'm looking at my own build log...

Offline Baja Junkie

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2012, 08:36:44 AM »
There is 2 old dears sitting on a park bench. A flasher runs over and exposes himself, 1 old dear has a stroke, the other couldn't reach.

Offline Hor Mann

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #3 on: April 17, 2012, 09:00:20 AM »
Recently,a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence,22 year old white male,for fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Gwinnett County, Georgia, USA, courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

'I said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Shit ... is it midnight already?'

The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as 'Best Come Back Line Ever.'

Offline Baja Junkie

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #4 on: April 17, 2012, 12:35:00 PM »
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the
Mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what
Your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
 
She replied, 'Probably at the Pub with his mates.'

 
 


 



Offline Hor Mann

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2012, 12:53:08 PM »
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."
 
Husband texts back: "Pour some luke warm water over it"
 
Wife texts back: "Computer completely f(*&^% now"

Offline Godles

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2012, 12:56:15 PM »
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Paid $400 for one of these........ i found that both sad and funny

NEW 2012 MODEL SUPER SPORT FERRET
4WD Alloy Shaft Drive, Fully Assembled
2.4 Gig Radio Zero Interference
No Crystals Auto Switching Channels
No Long Breakable Aerials
High Performance Racing Off Road Buggy
Complete with Fully Installed 2 Channel Pistol Grip Radio
Monocoque Chassis

RC380 Hi-Torque Electric Motor
and More !!
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Offline Hor Mann

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2012, 01:02:09 PM »
f*&*^*% hahahahaha

Offline Ozzy MozzyTopic starter

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The Joke Thread
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2012, 01:14:43 PM »
You guys are harsh!!!!


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Offline BenV.2

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2012, 01:24:01 PM »
The actual price they sell at is $87 I think. The $399 is just rchobbyestore trying to say they normally sell or are in some way worth that $399.

Be better off spending 87 bucks on beer, it'll last longer and be more fun. At least till the hangover the day after.

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Offline Godles

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2012, 01:34:56 PM »
I'd say a beer hangover would be over quicker than one that a car like that would give you.
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Offline Hor Mann

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #11 on: April 18, 2012, 04:36:37 PM »
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husbands temper and threatening manner.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does bugger all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

Offline Hor Mann

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #12 on: April 19, 2012, 07:54:28 AM »
A platoon of soldiers was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.
On the opposite side of the road was an Australian soldier in a similar but less serious state.
The soldier was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the Platoon Leader asked the injured Australian what had happened.
The soldier reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent.
"We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved.
"He yelled back that Kevin Rudd is a bureaucratic, good-for-nothing, left wing labor bastard who knows bugger all about running the country.
"So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian!
"He retaliated by yelling, 'Oh yeah? Well, so does Julia Gillard!'
"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, laughing, shaking hands, when a truck hit us."

Offline Ozzy MozzyTopic starter

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #13 on: April 19, 2012, 08:02:15 AM »
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A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husbands temper and threatening manner.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.  Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does bugger all…it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

That's a funny one Kev......
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Offline Hor Mann

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #14 on: April 20, 2012, 09:13:44 AM »
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top.

Offline Hor Mann

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #15 on: April 20, 2012, 09:17:12 AM »
A guy was watching the game, drinking a few beers and popping beer nuts into his mouth, when his wife began yelling at him. He turned his head toward her and accidentally popped a beer nut into his ear.

Both him and his wife tried and tried but neither could get it out.
All right she said, lets get you to the hospital.

As they walked outside their daughter and her boyfriend walked up and she asked, where are you and dad going.
The mother said, we're off to the hospital, your father has a beer nut caught in his ear.
The boyfriend then asked, before you go can I try to dislodge it.
The boyfriend then stuck two fingers up the fathers nose and told him to blow. The father blew and out popped the beer nut.
The mother then asked the father, our daughters boyfriend is so intelligent, what do you think he'll be when he grows up.

The father replied, by the smell of his fingers, our son-in-law.

Offline Hor Mann

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #16 on: May 02, 2012, 08:47:59 AM »
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Offline Ozzy MozzyTopic starter

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #17 on: May 02, 2012, 09:05:28 AM »
Magic Sandals
A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop..' So the married couple walked in.
 
The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex..'     
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was.
 
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and tried them on.
 
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
 
 
The Jamaican began screaming in panic: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
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Offline Hor Mann

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #18 on: May 02, 2012, 09:44:27 AM »
LOL...Good one mate.. ;D

Offline Hor Mann

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #19 on: May 09, 2012, 12:20:40 PM »
I just had to repost this..

f*&*^*% funny as..;D

Explanation of Tools


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench at the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for setting on fire, various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race..

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

FLAT BLADED SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

STANLEY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. Great at removing stubborn ends of fingers.

'f*&*^*% THING' TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "f*&*^*% thing" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Offline Baja Dan

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #20 on: May 09, 2012, 08:12:27 PM »
lmfao, is it just me, or does everyone visualise every thing listed there, such as the piece of wood flying into the wall?
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.... - - .--. ---... -..-. -..-. -... .. - .-.-.- .-.. -.-- -..-. .---- --... .-- ..-. -.. ..-. .-.

Offline Hor Mann

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #21 on: May 09, 2012, 08:16:40 PM »
Its funny , cause its true...lol

Offline Baja Dan

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #22 on: May 09, 2012, 08:17:54 PM »
i think i have done most of the things on that list too!
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Offline Hor Mann

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #23 on: May 09, 2012, 08:19:35 PM »
Anybody that has a shed and tools, has done most of that list...lol..

Even when I was a mechanic on the tools ..
« Last Edit: May 10, 2012, 07:07:28 AM by Hor Mann »

Offline bennyd

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Re: The Joke Thread
« Reply #24 on: May 10, 2012, 07:23:34 PM »
I think a little bit of wee just came out  ;D
Back playing with real cars

Quote from: GonzoRacer
All too often I say "I can build something nicer than that" and I'm looking at my own build log...